| — | Kusmarwanti : Catatan Seorang Ukhti (dikutip dari buku Agar Bidadari Cemburu Padamu oleh Salim A. Fillah) |
Assalamualaikum..
Saya sedang membaca buku yang sangat menginspirasi, khususnya bagi muslimah. Buku tersebut berjudul Agar Bidadari Cemburu Padamu, ditulis oleh Salim A. Fillah. Dalam buku tersebut tidak jarang penulis menggunakan istilah dari bahasa Arab. Begitu baiknya sang penulis sehingga mencantumkan pengertian istilah-istilah tersebut sebelum memulai bagian pertama dalam bukunya. Bagian berisi penjelasan tersebut diberi judul “Biar Nyambung!”.
Pada bagian ini penulis mengatakan bahwa Al Quran turun dalam bahasa Arab, maka sungguh mulia menggunakan bahasa yang dipilih Allah ini. Penulis juga menjelaskan bahwa pengertian-pengertian ini tidak persis dengan makna terjemah secara bahasa. Bisa dikatakan pengertiannya sesuai dengan bahasa ‘gaul’ yang biasa digunakan sebagai sarana komunikasi. Secara pribadi, beberapa istilah dalam bahasa Arab ini sering saya dengar digunakan oleh rekan-rekan saya.
Melalui post ini saya hanya berniat untuk berbagi walau hanya sedikit, dan saya yakin sebagian besar akhi dan ukhti pun sudah memiliki pengetahuan jauh melebihi saya dalam hal ini. Semoga berguna dan dapat diaplikasikan.
Wassalam..
Aku terduduk diam disana.
Lidah kelu, otot-otot membeku.
Mataku memandang nanar entah kemana.
Kata-kata itu menyerangku bertubi-tubi.
Meninggalkan sayatan luka bernanah.
Bisa kurasakan wajahku tidak membara oleh emosi apa pun.
Saat itu terlalu sakit bagiku bahkan untuk menggerakkan satu bagian terkecil tubuhku.
Aku merasa kebas saat itu.
Aku bahkan sulit menjangkau diriku sendiri.
Itulah kompensasi dari rasa sakit luar biasa yang aku rasakan saat itu.
Aku bicara tapi itu bukan diriku.
Aku bergerak tapi bukan kemauanku.
Saat itu rasanya seluruh tubuhku menjelma menjadi sekumpulan perih.
Kepalaku tak sanggup menanggung rasa sakit hatiku.
Kosong. Ingin segera semua ini berakhir.
Hatiku terus memberontak, mencakar-cakar dari dalam tubuhku untuk dapat meluapkan semuanya.
Aku tak bisa melihat mataku.
Apakah orang disana bisa melihat cairan bening disitu?
Ataukah dengan sukses aku telah menangis tanpa air mata?
Kata-kata itu masuk melalui gendang telingaku, dan bersemayam di hati.
Merasa terhina lagi.
Entah bisa dilupakan atau tidak.
Saking sakitnya, ingin kurenggut hatiku keluar dari rongga dadaku.
Lalu ku bersihkan dari kata-kata itu.
Dan aku bertekad bahwa ini akan menjadi yang terakhir.
Akhirnya..
Akhirnya semburan kata-kata itu selesai juga.
Kelegaan tumpul menyergapku seketika.
Semoga air mata ini tersamarkan oleh air wudhu.
Semoga caci maki itu terbasuh oleh dzikir.
Semoga Allah mengirimkan utusanNya padaku, yang akan menyembuhkanku.
Mungkin sakit hati ini pantas ku terima.
Maafkan aku, untuk semua hati yang merasa tersakiti.
Saat itu semua berakhir..
Terima kasih, untuk sahabatku yang bersedia dibangunkan oleh air mataku.
Terima kasih, untuk orang yang tetap ingin ada disini dan bertekad membantuku menghadapi ini semua walau mungkin kau pun merasa tersakiti.
Terima kasih sahabat-sahabatku, dan keluargaku.
Mengingatkan saat aku khilaf.
Menyaksikan setiap air mata yang tercurah.
Mereka seperti induk ayam yang sadar akan bahaya akan menimpa anaknya yang baru melihat dunia.
Terima kasih Ya Allah, apabila ini memang jalan keluar yang selama ini kuminta melalui setiap sujudku.. InsyaAllah aku ikhlas menerimanya.
Alhamdulillah..
Well, actually this has been posted on my tumblr a long time ago. But I want to share it here too. Enjoy!
Friday,February 4th 2011.
Miss Siti (the full-time teacher), Mr. Yuvi (my senior part-time teacher), and I were having a conversation when suddenly a kid’s voice stopped our talk. “Heeey, Marsha!”, Miss Siti said. We rushed to the class. As I was entering the door I saw a kid-- a boy--like six or seven years old. He was holding the computer mouse and so excited to start playing the game. "Eh kenalin dulu dong ini siapa," Mr. Yuvi said. Marsha lifted his face, I smiled, he stared at the floor--he was shy. I gave him my hand then he kissed it while smiling. His smile has a dimple on it, cute!! At that moment I knew my world is changing.. (am I too much?)
Time went by and the students were coming one by one. There are only six students in that class (phew!). Two of them are brother and sister. The older one named Nabila, she is a smart and talkative girl. His brother named Luthfi (Upi). Well, this one is super I think. He sat there, saw me sitting, then yelled,
"Mister, Mister!! Itu Miss baru yaaaaa? Kenalin dong!".
I was so surprised that I felt so glad that they were paying attention that I was there. I even felt so happy when one of them asked me what date that day was. Oh--put the sentimental thing aside, I wanna tell you about this kid. Why is Upi super? Well, he sat on the trash bin, he climbed on Mr. Yuvi's back, and etc (BIG grin). There's a shy girl named Ara (she didn't want to go in front of the class), a new guy named Dafa, and a good boy named Nabil.
According to Mr. Yuvi's humble opinion :p , that day the class went well and calmer than it used to be. "Wow." my thoughts told me. That was calm, so I have to prepare for the worse. Every now and then I heard him saying this during the class : "Marsha, sit down." I tell you it's impossible wanting them to stay on their seat more than five minutes (except Ara). Challenging, ckck!!
Surprisingly I was so glad--much more than I thought. I can't wait to be their teacher. I'd never known before that I really wanted tp be a teacher. Well, of course that job was in my mind, but I never realized that it was so important to me. The same situation occured when I thought I was studying English in my college just to kill my time. No. I realized that it is important for me. If it isn't, then why I care much about graduating with cum laude title?? Clearly English is not just my hobby, it's the aim of my life.
A wonderful moment happened when they were leaving the class. They took turn kissing my hand one by one. My heart was so warm. A first warm feeling I had after what I've been through. Now I know why I secretly want my future husband is a lecturer,haha. Knowing your students, being memorized by your students, playing a prominent role in a kid's future are not small things. Those are great things of being a teacher. The rest of the great things..well, I haven't found out yet. I'll find it while watching those little mouths speaking English. If this is really my calling, then I'll answer it.
Pray for me to be a good teacher, please. Will you? :)
But have you ever felt a heartbreak without realizing it? Well, I have. I’ve felt this heartbreak for many years, but I just realized that it was a heartbreak when I watched the movie entitled The Last Song, adapted from Nicholas Sparks’ novel with the same title. The main character of this movie is a teenager named Veronica Miller or Ronnie, as they call her. This girl is so defensive to all people around her, faithless, and stubborn. When I saw her and caught her words, I told myself : ” That sounds like me”. Well, so I watched this movie and found out the reason behind her behavior : her parents’ divorce. She can’t tolerate when people make a mistake to her. I do too. Afraid to rely herself on someone. Me too. Insecure? Definitely yes. She pushes people away. Me either. In short, we are both afraid to get hurt. For the second time. Third time and so on because we think we can’t handle it.
” It’s what I do, Mom. I push people away.” -Ronnie Miller, The Last Song
The divorce happened when I was a little girl, so what would a little girl know about a heartbreak? As the year passes I’ve found it. Can do nothing about it but deal with it. It affects my behavior of course. I’m afraid of losing. If we can’t have someone with me until the end then why do we have to have him/her in my life from the first place? That kind of behavior called ‘build walls around you so you won’t get hurt’. That works for me..until now.
“ Love is fragile, Ronnie. And we’re not always its best caretakers. We just muddle through and do the best we can and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds.” -Steve Miller (Ronnie’s father), The Last Song
At the end of the movie Ronnie finally realizes that people make mistakes, even when they don’t want to. She can’t just kick someone’s out of her life just because he/she makes a mistake. Like she does to her love, Will. And there’s always a reason behind every mistakes, but the mistakes aren’t made in order to hurt someone, especially the beloved ones. And Ronnie has been through many things to realize this thing, especially when she finds out about his father’s cancer.
“ People make mistakes, Will. Even the people that we love.”- Ronnie Miller, The Last Song
Now I’m still learning to fix myself. I don’t want to be like this forever : never want to stay because afraid of being left or abandoned, never want to love deeply because afraid of being hurt, never want to accept because afraid of being declined, never want to believe because afraid of being betrayed. I hope I’m on my way to be less fragile than who I used to be.
“ We’re not perfect. Any of us. We make mistakes, we screw up, but then we forgive and we move forward.” -Kim (Ronnie’s mother), The Last Song
- Me, Avridita Savitri
Since our application form’s for a scholarship in U.S deadline was sooo close, monick and I decided to give it straight to the office (IIEF in Menara Imperium,Kuningan,Jakarta). We didn’t want to put our dream,hope, and future on a postman’s hand. Sorry, that sentence is just so absurd. We had gone through many processes in completing the form. It was so tiring that made us both want to throw up. I don’t want to explain each of them. No no no.. I may throw up!!
The day before (it was Saturday then), I had to go to Puntang (it’s a mountain) to observe this place with my friends..you know…work thingy. I couldn’t feel my body because I was sitting on a motorcycle for hours and my clothes are wet. I got news from monick that our forms were brought outside town by our lecturer and we had to take them to her house at 7 PM (which meant that we couldn’t go by my uncle’s car because he said that he would go back to Jakarta at very THAT hour). Once again I was sitting on a motrorcycle in the rain. But one fact which was so pleasing. My lecturer’s house was beyond ordinary. It was so hard to find the right house because the door was hidden in like…you know.. a tunnel. There were so many paintings. In short, I knew it was my dream house at the first time I saw it.
We arrived at my house at 8.30 PM (still wet, and got the news that my uncle JUST left the house). We talked about many things then off to bed then bla…bla…bla. Sunday, we decided to go by bus because it was easier to reach my aunt’s house that way though we were craving to be on a train. I could tell we were so excited. Until we arrived at the bus station. First, we didn’t know how to get the ticket (do we have to buy it in a locket or just get on the bus). Second, we didn’t know which bus to take. Third, people were staring. All of them were confusing, but the last one was frightening. Asking the officer wasn’t a help at all. Then We picked the wrong guy to trust.
He said: ” Mau kemana neng?”
We: ” Kampung Rambutan”
Then the next thing we knew that a crowd of people came to us and kept saying something like “neng ini langsung berangkat neng”, and “neng ini ber AC”, and bla..bla…bla..! Then one of them snatched monick’s bag. I was so shocked and kept asking her why did she let the man do that. In short, we wre “dragged” to a bus. I thought “oh..air conditioner..fine then”. But when the bus stopped every now and then and there were sellers back and forth we knew one thing. We took the wrong bus, and economy class bus. What the..
Arrived at Kampung Rambutan’s bus station and the situation wasn’t better. It was raining heavily. The crowd of young men who rented the umbrella were shouting, wanting us to rent their umbrella. I didn’t want to get off the bus because I thought with such an attitude they’d able to eat us alive. But finally I could encourage myself. My thought wasn’t a far cry from the reality happened. I’d better not spill it. So traumatic. haha.
I’ll go straight ahead to our next important moment.
“Menara Imperium”
Imperium Tower
was beyond “WOW!!”
I feel like being transferred to another country when I got in.
Spesifically? U.S!!!
More specific then? NEW YORK!!
Just imagine it by yourself.. It felt like seeing my dream right in front of my eyes.
We got train for coming home. So glad!! FYI : lost at the train station and nearly lost the train also. I was running a the train station. Really fast. How cool is that?haha. That was such an experience, I couldn’t close my eyes.
Such an adventure!!
Hope our attempts will be paid, but if it doesn’t we’ve got the lessons.
Cause lessons and experiences are very expensive. And also Jakarta is so expensive.haha!
