“hadir segera wahai kekasih..

datang bersama cahaya.”

— The Zikr : Dua Cinta Kekasih

“Telah lama cinta terbiar

Dari cinta yang suci

Telah lama cinta tersasar

Dari cinta hakiki"

—	Raihan : Cinta Hakiki

“Menikah, bagi mereka semata karena keinginan untuk menyempurnakan perintah Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala, sebagai bagian dari tarbiyah yang mereka jalani. Tetapi, mungkin Allah memberi media tarbiyah yang lain untuk mereka. Saya kira, penantian pun menjadi bagian dari tarbiyah. Allah menguji kualitas iman mereka. Toh, kepasrahan akan berakhir dengan kebahagiaan meski tak dinikmatinya di dunia.”

—	Kusmarwanti : Catatan Seorang Ukhti (dikutip dari buku Agar Bidadari Cemburu Padamu oleh Salim A. Fillah)

Sedikit berbagi..

Assalamualaikum..

Saya sedang membaca buku yang sangat menginspirasi, khususnya bagi muslimah. Buku tersebut berjudul Agar Bidadari Cemburu Padamu, ditulis oleh Salim A. Fillah. Dalam buku tersebut tidak jarang penulis menggunakan istilah dari bahasa Arab. Begitu baiknya sang penulis sehingga mencantumkan pengertian istilah-istilah tersebut sebelum memulai bagian pertama dalam bukunya. Bagian berisi penjelasan tersebut diberi judul “Biar Nyambung!”.

Pada bagian ini penulis mengatakan bahwa Al Quran turun dalam bahasa Arab, maka sungguh mulia menggunakan bahasa yang dipilih Allah ini. Penulis juga menjelaskan bahwa pengertian-pengertian ini tidak persis dengan makna terjemah secara bahasa. Bisa dikatakan pengertiannya sesuai dengan bahasa ‘gaul’ yang biasa digunakan sebagai sarana komunikasi. Secara pribadi, beberapa istilah dalam bahasa Arab ini sering saya dengar digunakan oleh rekan-rekan saya.

• Akhawat : saudari perempuan jamak, biasanya terucap akhwat.
• Ikhwan : saudara laki-laki jamak, untuk menyebut kumpulan rekan.
• Akh : saudara laki-laki tunggal, untuk menyebut rekan diikuti namanya.
• Akhi : saudaraku, untuk memanggil.
• Ukht : saudari perempuan tunggal.
• Ukhti : saudariku
• Ana : saya.
• Anta : kamu laki-laki
• Anti : kamu perempuan
• Antum : kalian, tapi biasanya dipakai juga untuk menyebut tunggal
• ‘Afwan : maaf.
• ‘Afwan jiddan : maaf banget
• Jazakallahu khairan : Semoga Allah membalasmu (laki-laki) dengan kebaikan.
• Jazakillahu khairan : Semoga Allah membalasmu (perempuan) dengan kebaikan.
• Jazakumullahu ahsanal jaza’ : Semoga Allah membalas kalian dengan balasan lebih baik.
• Syukron : terima kasih.
• Khalwat : menyepi, berkonotasi negatif dalam penggambaran pacaran.
• Ikhtilath : bercampur baur, gambaran interaksi laki-perempuan tanpa batas.
• Khitbah : lamar, pinang.
• Nazhar : proses melihat calon, sebelum pernikahan.
• Ta’aruf : saling mengenal, sering dipakai untuk menyebut proses.
• Tarbiyah : pendidikan.
• Tabarruj : berhias, berrias, bermake-up.
• Husnuzhzhan : baik sangka.
• Suuzhzhan : buruk sangka.
• Syar’i : sesuai syari’at.

Melalui post ini saya hanya berniat untuk berbagi walau hanya sedikit, dan saya yakin sebagian besar akhi dan ukhti pun sudah memiliki pengetahuan jauh melebihi saya dalam hal ini. Semoga berguna dan dapat diaplikasikan.

Wassalam..

Saat itu..

31 Maret 2011.

Aku terduduk diam disana.

Lidah kelu, otot-otot membeku.

Mataku memandang nanar entah kemana.

Kata-kata itu menyerangku bertubi-tubi.

Meninggalkan sayatan luka bernanah.

Bisa kurasakan wajahku tidak membara oleh emosi apa pun.

Saat itu terlalu sakit bagiku bahkan untuk menggerakkan satu bagian terkecil tubuhku.

Aku merasa kebas saat itu.

Aku bahkan sulit menjangkau diriku sendiri.

Itulah kompensasi dari rasa sakit luar biasa yang aku rasakan saat itu.

Aku bicara tapi itu bukan diriku.

Aku bergerak tapi bukan kemauanku.

Saat itu rasanya seluruh tubuhku menjelma menjadi sekumpulan perih.

Kepalaku tak sanggup menanggung rasa sakit hatiku.

Kosong. Ingin segera semua ini berakhir.

Hatiku terus memberontak, mencakar-cakar dari dalam tubuhku untuk dapat meluapkan semuanya.

Aku tak bisa melihat mataku.

Apakah orang disana bisa melihat cairan bening disitu?

Ataukah dengan sukses aku telah menangis tanpa air mata?

Kata-kata itu masuk melalui gendang telingaku, dan bersemayam di hati.

Merasa terhina lagi.

Entah bisa dilupakan atau tidak.

Saking sakitnya, ingin kurenggut hatiku keluar dari rongga dadaku.

Lalu ku bersihkan dari kata-kata itu.

Dan aku bertekad bahwa ini akan menjadi yang terakhir.

Akhirnya..

Akhirnya semburan kata-kata itu selesai juga.

Kelegaan tumpul menyergapku seketika.

Semoga air mata ini tersamarkan oleh air wudhu.

Semoga caci maki itu terbasuh oleh dzikir.

Semoga Allah mengirimkan utusanNya padaku, yang akan menyembuhkanku.

Mungkin sakit hati ini pantas ku terima.

Maafkan aku, untuk semua hati yang merasa tersakiti.

Saat itu semua berakhir..

Terima kasih, untuk sahabatku yang bersedia dibangunkan oleh air mataku.

Terima kasih, untuk orang yang tetap ingin ada disini dan bertekad membantuku menghadapi ini semua walau mungkin kau pun merasa tersakiti.

Terima kasih sahabat-sahabatku, dan keluargaku.

Mengingatkan saat aku khilaf.

Menyaksikan setiap air mata yang tercurah.

Mereka seperti induk ayam yang sadar akan bahaya akan menimpa anaknya yang baru melihat dunia.

Terima kasih Ya Allah, apabila ini memang jalan keluar yang selama ini kuminta melalui setiap sujudku.. InsyaAllah aku ikhlas menerimanya.

Alhamdulillah..

My first observation in i-tutor.

Well, actually this has been posted on my tumblr a long time ago. But I want to share it here too. Enjoy!

Friday,February 4th 2011.

Miss Siti (the full-time teacher), Mr. Yuvi (my senior part-time teacher), and I were having a conversation when suddenly a kid’s voice stopped our talk. “Heeey, Marsha!”, Miss Siti said. We rushed to the class. As I was entering the door I saw a kid-- a boy--like six or seven years old. He was holding the computer mouse and so excited to start playing the game. "Eh kenalin dulu dong ini siapa," Mr. Yuvi said. Marsha lifted his face, I smiled, he stared at the floor--he was shy. I gave him my hand then he kissed it while smiling. His smile has a dimple on it, cute!! At that moment I knew my world is changing.. (am I too much?)

Time went by and the students were coming one by one. There are only six students in that class (phew!). Two of them are brother and sister. The older one named Nabila, she is a smart and talkative girl. His brother named Luthfi (Upi). Well, this one is super I think. He sat there, saw me sitting, then yelled,

"Mister, Mister!! Itu Miss baru yaaaaa? Kenalin dong!".

I was so surprised that I felt so glad that they were paying attention that I was there. I even felt so happy when one of them asked me what date that day was. Oh--put the sentimental thing aside, I wanna tell you about this kid. Why is Upi super? Well, he sat on the trash bin, he climbed on Mr. Yuvi's back, and etc (BIG grin). There's a shy girl named Ara (she didn't want to go in front of the class), a new guy named Dafa, and a good boy named Nabil.

According to Mr. Yuvi's humble opinion :p , that day the class went well and calmer than it used to be. "Wow." my thoughts told me. That was calm, so I have to prepare for the worse. Every now and then I heard him saying this during the class : "Marsha, sit down." I tell you it's impossible wanting them to stay on their seat more than five minutes (except Ara). Challenging, ckck!!

Surprisingly I was so glad--much more than I thought. I can't wait to be their teacher. I'd never known before that I really wanted tp be a teacher. Well, of course that job was in my mind, but I never realized that it was so important to me. The same situation occured when I thought I was studying English in my college just to kill my time. No. I realized that it is important for me. If it isn't, then why I care much about graduating with cum laude title?? Clearly English is not just my hobby, it's the aim of my life.

A wonderful moment happened when they were leaving the class. They took turn kissing my hand one by one. My heart was so warm. A first warm feeling I had after what I've been through. Now I know why I secretly want my future husband is a lecturer,haha. Knowing your students, being memorized by your students, playing a prominent role in a kid's future are not small things. Those are great things of being a teacher. The rest of the great things..well, I haven't found out yet. I'll find it while watching those little mouths speaking English. If this is really my calling, then I'll answer it.

Pray for me to be a good teacher, please. Will you? :)

Do you ever really forget your first heartbreak? (The Last Song)

Heartbreak. Everybody feels it. What is a heartbreak? No one wants to figure it out. What for? They know it when they feel it. It makes you cry a lot. You’re there with your straight face when all of the sudden that sad thoughts come to you then you couldn’t help but crying. It’s like a part of your body is aching, but you can’t find which part it is and don’t know how to cure it. When it hurts so much it seems like your heart is a massive black hole that sucking your whole body into it until it completely disappears. I felt it then I knew it. It was a heartbreak.

But have you ever felt a heartbreak without realizing it? Well, I have. I’ve felt this heartbreak for many years, but I just realized that it was a heartbreak when I watched the movie entitled The Last Song, adapted from Nicholas Sparks’ novel with the same title. The main character of this movie is a teenager named Veronica Miller or Ronnie, as they call her. This girl is so defensive to all people around her, faithless, and stubborn. When I saw her and caught her words, I told myself : ” That sounds like me”. Well, so I watched this movie and found out the reason behind her behavior : her parents’ divorce. She can’t tolerate when people make a mistake to her. I do too. Afraid to rely herself on someone. Me too. Insecure? Definitely yes. She pushes people away. Me either. In short, we are both afraid to get hurt. For the second time. Third time and so on because we think we can’t handle it.

” It’s what I do, Mom. I push people away.” -Ronnie Miller, The Last Song

The divorce happened when I was a little girl, so what would a little girl know about a heartbreak? As the year passes I’ve found it. Can do nothing about it but deal with it. It affects my behavior of course. I’m afraid of losing. If we can’t have someone with me until the end then why do we have to have him/her in my life from the first place? That kind of behavior called ‘build walls around you so you won’t get hurt’. That works for me..until now.

“ Love is fragile, Ronnie. And we’re not always its best caretakers. We just muddle through and do the best we can and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds.” -Steve Miller (Ronnie’s father), The Last Song

At the end of the movie Ronnie finally realizes that people make mistakes, even when they don’t want to. She can’t just kick someone’s out of her life just because he/she makes a mistake. Like she does to her love, Will. And there’s always a reason behind every mistakes, but the mistakes aren’t made in order to hurt someone, especially the beloved ones. And Ronnie has been through many things to realize this thing, especially when she finds out about his father’s cancer.

“ People make mistakes, Will. Even the people that we love.”- Ronnie Miller, The Last Song

Now I’m still learning to fix myself. I don’t want to be like this forever : never want to stay because afraid of being left or abandoned, never want to love deeply because afraid of being hurt, never want to accept because afraid of being declined, never want to believe because afraid of being betrayed. I hope I’m on my way to be less fragile than who I used to be.

“ We’re not perfect. Any of us. We make mistakes, we screw up, but then we forgive and we move forward.” -Kim (Ronnie’s mother), The Last Song

- Me, Avridita Savitri